“I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”

- Ludwig Wittgenstein

As I write this, the mist is drizzling on the faded wood of my deck, creating what I have often called “that wonderful rain smell.”  Birds, mostly small finches, are flying about in front of my window, taking turns at the feeder hanging from a roof beam.  I have returned from an evening with my wife Carrie and daughter Paulina, in which we watched the latest episodes of “American Idol” and “Lost,” hunkered down on the sofa, eating Chinese food and a Hershey’s chocolate bar for desert.  I now feel the warmth of the heater , giving my little retreat cabin that cozy home and hearth feeling during a gentle winter storm.

Also, as I write this, my financial world has come crashing down around me.  This is not a new phenomenon for me, in fact, far from it.  Seems every three or so years, I manage to get myself into a position of deficit, not really knowing how everything is going to get paid, nor what exactly my next step is going to be.  I am also quite physically challenged, still recovering from a nasty cough I picked up in the sub zero climes of Chicago.  I also wrenched my back two days ago, barely leaving me the ability to walk.  I have been downing the Yingchiao and Advil, coughing and hobbling about like an 80 year old man with a heating pad my constant companion.

I titled this blurb “Rules of the Game” as much of my life lately has been lived in the question “What am I doing that is out of alignment with the universe?”  Another way to put it is “What rule am I breaking?”  I tend to spend a great deal of time sorting out what is “my” plan, and what is “the” plan.   For example, I seemed to get a very clear message last October from the universe (call it what you like…) that I was to go and build a business in Chicago in the winter.  My type of work doesn’t do so well in the winter, especially a Chicago winter, and so I had to be pretty darned sure that was the directive.  The message kept coming, and so I went, investing thousands of dollars on airfare, hotel, rental car, office, advertising, food, supplies, etc.   To date, all I have to show for my efforts is a realistic opportunity to do quite well once the weather warms up and the daylight increases.  Financially it has been a disaster.

So, I go back to my question of “What am I doing that is out of alignment with the universe?”   Until yesterday, I didn’t have a good answer.   Perhaps, I told myself, it is just a test of my willingness to freefall as instructed.   I told myself to stick with it, go with the game plan, and trust that the universe will show me (and hopefully show me pretty damned soon!!) how this path will support me, my family, and teach me yet again, something I just don’t know.   I recall the quote “the night is always darkest before the dawn” and yet, that doesn’t really bring me much solace.  Often, I wake up at 3AM or so and have this feeling of sheer terror, as I dive again into the unknown.  How many times do I need to learn the lesson of trust?  I am tired.  My nerves are frazzled.  I can’t see through the darkness.  It pisses me off!

Back to yesterday…  I spoke with my wife/ Goddess/ confidante Carrie yesterday.  I did something I am loathe to do, and that is to admit my fear, desperation, confusion, frustration, and general “pissed off-ness” for another to hear.   After all, I am the enlightened guy.  One of the things she said, which stung me good was, “Well, you don’t seemed so enlightened when there’s no money!”   What kind of enlightenment is it when it is conditional?  There isn’t much walk to support the talk.

However, the main point that she made, and the question she asked me was “Where is the gratitude?”  My answer was – “I don’t have any!”  At that time yesterday, I wasn’t grateful for my health, my wife, my children, my upside in Chicago, my friends, my home, my food, my journey, my enlightenment, my magic, my gifts, my amazing bullshit detector (do forgive me for rambling a bit here, but it is good medicine), and all the wonderful things I have been blessed with.  If you were to look at it on a scorecard, it would read: Gifts – Immense and innumerable.  Gratitude – Zip, Nada, No Way, No How.  And the scorecard would be read by me with disdain.

I lack gratitude even with our dearly departed brother Glen leaving us just 4 months after our Friday morning Grail circle.  I very much realize am alive, and very much so.  My gratitude for my life, for the gift of being alive to type this, again Zero.  And there is BB, who is in a coma, unable to sit up, say “hello”, drink a blackberry mocha, kiss his wife and children.  Will BB ever be a full functioning man again?  Needless to say, the universe has delivered a message so belligerently bold and clear, and until yesterday, my eyes were shut, my ears were closed, and my heart was saying “Fuck You!”  If I were to interpret what the universe was and is saying, it would go something like this “Hey Jay, you deaf mute idiot, SNAP OUT OF IT!!.  You are alive.  How about a little appreciation?”

Rules of the game.  Doesn’t it make simple sense, that if the universe is blessing me with gifts, and I don’t seem to give a damn, the universe would stop blessing me altogether?  There is the rule.  Perhaps the great lesson I will take out of all this death, despair, and darkness, is that I must take stock of what I have, and dig deep into my heart, all war torn, shell shocked, and unwilling to open.  I must have the courage to peel away the clever veneer, and be willing to acknowledge my small little role in this game.  And in that acknowledgement of my complete “out of control-ness” I am only left with gratitude for what I have, for it surely wasn’t “me” that did it.

Yesterday, I slowed down.  I felt the sun on my face.  I felt joy at greeting Carrie last night while she kissed me.  I marveled at the miracle of my daughter Paulina, as she worked on a school project, typing away on the laptop computer we got her for Christmas.  I really tasted the vanilla frozen yogurt with almonds and chocolate syrup we shared.  I still don’t know what I am going to do next week with regards to work, and my finances.  But I do know, having been in this situation before -  it always turns out.  And perhaps, with a smidgen of gratitude, unearthed from my steely heart, things will smooth out sooner than later.  Please don’t think this is a trick or a technique.  It is not a trick.  For me, it is a courageous searching for humility, awareness, and self forgiveness.  No small task for an arrogant bastard such as myself.  I am here.  I am alive.  I am able to do the heavy lifting.  And for all that and so much more, I am grateful.