By Jay Cradeur

December 27, 2006

On Christmas morning, at 5AM on my way to pick up a friend who needed a ride to the airport, a grey fox crossed my path.  According to the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, the Grey Fox represents the “Feminine magic of camouflage, shapeshifting and invisibility…. With practice you can develop this same kind of ability and apply it so that you may see and hear things you otherwise could not.”

This morning, the sun is shining.  After a day of torrential rain and darkness, once again the hummingbirds are flying about my deck.  Turkey vultures are soaring overhead.  I look out at the forest from my deck and see the huge tree branches, like mother earth’s arms, swaying back and forth, welcoming a new day, and a new year.

The sun is warm.  The older I get, the more I value the simple little things like the warmth of the sun.  How precious it is that I get a phone call every night from my 10 year old daughter, Paulina, to review the day and plan a little spot for us to meet in our dreams?  My heart warms when I sit down to do some writing, and I can look up on my wall and see pictures of my children, and all the men and women with whom I have shared sacred space in various circles and events.  How ancient is the light as it pierces through the stain glass window and shines into my bedroom?  The little things, the small precious intimate moments, the glory of the divine, these are the substance of my inner life, the only life that seems to matter to this old warrior.

This year of 2006 has been one of extreme transitions.  God spoke, my world was rocked, and I responded accordingly.  I don’t know where it is all leading, and that feels just about right.  Uncomfortably comfortable with the uncomfortable.  That phrase hardly makes sense, and yet it says it all.

I went to Peru and God spoke to me.  Never have I been such a receptor for divine guidance.  I remember that day in the rain forest; it was the 10th day of our 11 day dieta.  I sprung awake at 4 in the morning, my mosquito net over my head, the harsh sounds of jungle reality pelting me, and there was no where to go, no escape in sight.  I wrote a poem that morning which made many people happy.  And then I fell into a crevice, a place I did not know directly, but had seen others navigate.  Being in my body became extremely uncomfortable.  My mental state was in complete disarray.  Nothing was real.  I had become the jungle, a place of purity and brutality.

God spoke clearly.  She was expressing her Kali energy.  She was none too happy with me.  “What are you doing with your life?!”  I was terrified to say the least.  Deeply honored to say the most. In that moment, I knew I had to make some changes, else the universe would be playing dodge ball with my soul and sanity.  So promises were made and sealed with a kiss.    Damned powerful, she is!

I managed to partner up with Don Palmer, a great man in my and many other’s estimation, and we delivered a Bridge event this last fall.  It was a powerful event for all who attended.  The thing I most value about our time together was how we were able to flow with the powerful energies that supported us throughout the journey.  We, a group of men, able to listen for guidance, and then “run” with it.  Our time together was exhilarating for we never knew exactly what was going to happen next.  We’d think we were going to do a process, and then we’d be heading off to the emergency room to tend to a broken arm.  It has been said that you won’t be given power until you have proven you can be responsible with it.  As a group, we earned some degree of power and reveled in the magic of it all.

I have gotten into the game.  Since Peru, I have been working to make a career change.  I have been selling advertising, which has been supportive and satisfying, for the past couple of years.  However, there has been something lacking.  So I undertook to find a profession that would bring me more of a sense of service, and more cash flow at the same time.  After doing a bit of research, I have moved in the financial services arena.

I call myself an asset optimizer, or an investment adviser representative, but basically I help people sort out their money so they are in a better position to retire with abundance and security.  This career requires much studying and licensing.  I have done all of that over the last 4 months.  I have my Life and Health license, and my Securities series 6, 63 and 65 license.  I am in the game.  I look forward to being of service.  Financial stress is the leading cause of divorce and suicide.  I am now in a position to help.  Another big change, but it feels real good as I intrepidly move forward.

As this year draws to a close, I am a single man.  My partnership of some 15 years has transformed to a friendship, and life goes on.  I feel the feminine starting to come back into my life, and still don’t know what, if anything, I am looking for.  There are moments when I think a woman in my life would be a nice complement to my masculinity.  And there are other times when I am grateful that I am alone, and free to move about at will.  My single status also gives me ample opportunity to find the supportive, life giving, intimate warmth of the feminine within my own heart.  I have had some visions of a brunette goddess that is finding her way into my life.  I have also noticed a strong attraction to Latin women.  Their femininity and sensuality are powerful.  Funny what the universe throws our way, rare and often exotic.

My children are healthy.  I have an open, working, loving relationship with them all, and for that I am extremely grateful.  Sarah and Brookes are both in college.  Michael is a senior in high school.  And Paulina, with whom I get to spend the most time , is in 5th grade here in Sebastopol.  Paulina is such a joy!  Looking back over the year, one of my fondest memories with Paulina was a trip we took to Sacramento.  We went searching for Bengal cats.  We left Sebastopol with some phone numbers from a website, and called on our way up to Sacramento.  We found one woman who invited us to her home, and we spent 2 hours with some 20 Bengal and Savannah cats.  They are beautiful creatures as you can see above.  Paulina was truly in her element.  It was such a magical day, as many days are in the presence of our little high priestess in training, Paulina.

The men.  Where would I be without the men in my life?  I am so blessed to have so many men I can call friend.  These aren’t the “beer, boardroom and blowjob” type of men.  I can lift up the phone and call these men and we will talk about things that really matter.  Well, at least they matter to us.  I see so many men suffering from isolation and lack of intimacy.  I am grateful to say I am not one of them.  Thank you my Brothers!

The women.  I have much less communication with women, but those that I do communicate with provide me with such a wealth of wisdom and guidance.  Whether it is the warm women at the coffee stand, the magical socereresses of Oz, the unpredictable Sebastopol crew, or the gentle tigress in Chicago, they have all contributed so mightily to this man’s development as an honorer and protector of the feminine.  I can’t imagine my life without the uncompromising direction and feedback I get from the women.  I am truly humbled to call you all friends and sisters.  I intend to continue my rigorous learning and growth while in service, in your presence.  Thank you my Sisters.

I welcome 2007.  I have big plans.  Faux folly.  Let’s see what the universe delivers this time!  Just a few days ago, I received an email from Rwanda, Africa.  Mr. Fidel Rutayisire of the Rwanda Men’s Resource Center would like to partner up to “mobilize Rwandan men to support women’s leadership, end men’s violence and act as role models for positive masculinity.”

I am honored, humbled,  excited, and a bit overwhelmed by the invitation.  I’d say 2007 is already off to a magical and powerful start.  You see, that is what I mean, I never know what is coming.  I just might be going to Rwanda sometime in the future.  That wasn’t part of my plans.  I remember one thing one of my teachers said to me: “My planlessness knows no bounds.”  Let the games begin.  Thanks for reading.  I love you all.  Happy New Year.  Jay

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